Absense and Nothingness
by Meronichan
Summary: As Taishakuten passes into death, he meets with someone very familiar to him.


**I do not own R.G. Veda, or the characters of Ashura-ou nor Taishakuten. All are copyright CLAMP.**

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He had passed quietly.

His advisors feigned mourning, but the ruse was easy enough to see through. He didn't have to think about that. Tenkai would be safe with or without him. But who cared about the empire? He was dead. Alone he had lived, and alone he'd died.

Taishakuten, the thunder-god. A fitting title for him, the man who had spread as swiftly and as powerfully as a lightning storm throughout Tenkai. And for what?

_For him._

Taishakuten did not fear death, as many fear it. Unlike most, he savored the idea of finally becoming free of the duty he had to maintain. Though hadn't he really been freed with the disappearance of Yasha and Ashura? When he'd washed his hands of his victims; when he'd attempted to stall the wheels of fate from turning?

No, he did not fear the premise or the act of dying. He did not even fear being thrown into oblivion. But the thought which had haunted him even as his eyes began to close, as he felt himself slipping into the dark slumber made his conscience scream.

_Have I failed him?_

There was a light now. Not a glaring light, no. Was it even light? It seemed as if the place he wandered in was glowing. Not illuminated, but as if the very plane itself had become the illumination.

He did not walk or glide or run, yet he was moving. He willed himself to move, and so he did. No destination, no guide. But he felt the pull of something there.

Weightless, painless, nothingness. Death and the apprehension that came with it had been the worst of it. This is like living without even living at all.

He saw a vision. Shapeless at first, indistinct. It was approaching him - or was he approaching it? - and he knew what it was before he could mouth the words in his throat or let the memories come alive again. He knew this thing, and he wanted this thing to be with him, and to speak to him in a lovely voice as silky as satin.

"Make yourself whole, Taishakuten." A beautiful raven-haired man, commanding him. He was looking down, and he saw his hands and body become solidified. He could feel the muscles in his cheeks stretching. Was he smirking?

Taishakuten reached out with his right hand and let it rest on the face of the one standing before him. He was now as he had been commanded to be. The vision he could feel, as it was also solid. But was it cemented it reality, or mere fantasy?

"I'm surprised at you, Taishakuten." The other man was speaking again, his voice was hollow but full of meaning and sincerity. The voice, . . . it seemed not to be coming from one direction, but from everywhere. It was speaking into him as if it was he himself who was speaking. "I waited for you, and here you think that I'm a memory. I can't help being flattered that I would be the first thing you would recreate."

Taishakuten began to speak, but it required no effort. He could speak forever and stand here forever and never tire of it. He did not even sound like himself, did he? The arrogance was there but his voice was like a whole separate entity unto itself.

"A memory cannot be touched. You responded when I touched you," Taishakuten ran his fingers softly down the other's face, across the nape of his neck, back into the softness of his lover's hair. "If memories become realities here, then I won't ever leave this place."

The dark-haired man shook his head, yet he was smiling his respectful smile which Taishakuten disliked. He hated seeing this king smile so; behind it was nothing but pain. He couldn't hide that forever. But if the pain was still there, then . . . had he failed? Truly failed?

_Ashura-ou_.

Taishakuten moved in towards Ashura-ou, the man whom he had once called rival, the one whom he had whispered to in his bedchamber when all others were sleeping. He wanted to feel that moment again. If this was a memory, he wanted it in full force. The desire, the heat, and sweat and yes, the pain. He wanted the pain but he also wanted the intimacy and the admiration. But not just from him! Not this time.

"I love you," Ashura-ou muttered.

_No, this is wrong. Ashura-ou had never said this to him!_

"Are you still convinced that I'm a memory?" The king of the Ashura questioned him. "You're harder to please than you realize."

Taishakuten laughed then, or what he thought was a laugh. He could feel it this time, just as he could feel Ashura-ou when he leaned in and embraced him as if he would somehow disappear.

"And you're wrong. We have to leave this place. Not now, but soon. It's temporary." Taishakuten eased his grip upon the other so that he could look into his face. The same dark eyes, calling him, pleading with him.

_Help me. I need your help._

Something in Taishakuten's face had made Ashura-ou chuckle. "What? Did you think that this was all of it?"

Taishakuten shrugged a bit, snickering. "I hope too much, then. I've always hoped for too much."

Oh, yes. The pain was definitely real. He could feel it now. He hid behind his ambitions as Ashura-ou hid behind his smile. But in the end. . .

"We are alone," Ashura-ou finished Taishakuten's thoughts, as if he had reached into his very being and snatched them up. "And we both are selfish. You and I."

Taishakuten could not argue. Yes, selfish and boorish and thirsty for power was what Taishakuten was. But Ashura-ou? His deeds seemed almost saint-like. He had done what he did out of love for his child. He wanted to see his child live, regardless of the consequences that would come of it. But wasn't that merely a show of the love of a parent for a child? So strong that they would risk the lives of everyone and everything so the child could live on?  
"I wanted Ashura to live because I wanted him merely to be alive. I did not want the Ashura tribe to die, but with his death they are done. You saw to that well, Taishakuten. Despite what you may think, you did not ever fail me."

Taishakuten was shocked. Had Ashura-ou even managed to delve into his fears as well as his desires?

Ashura-ou's movements were slow, he seemed to take forever when he pressed his body against Taishakuten's and let his head rest gently on the thunder-god's shoulder.

"You were cruel. But it had to be done in a cruel manner. I couldn't have picked a better comrade to aid me. I thank you, truly. I could perhaps even learn to love you for that alone." Ashura-ou's voice was lower this time, more vulnerable. "But that's not what you want to hear, is it?"

Taishakuten moved to grab hold of Ashura-ou's arms, forcing Ashura-ou away from himself for a moment, as painful as it was.

"No, you are right. You will never pine for me as I do for you. But better I come to terms with it and continue to be what I am and feel what I feel than have you be forced into a position to love me more than you could ever in your life love someone like me."

Ashura-ou could not argue with Taishakuten, but he did not agree.

"You forget yourself, Taishakuten. Love is what you want to happen between us, and it is there, whether you see it or not. But the fact is that I am bound to you forever."

"I remember it! And I want you to forget it!" Why was he angry suddenly? Why was he shouting at the one whom he wanted to hold and caress and be with more than anyone else? Shouldn't he be greedy and thankful that Ashura-ou was loyal to the bargain? It seemed like it was such a long time ago. . .  
"I want you to forget that. I don't want you to suffer again, and smile at me when behind it is only lies. I'd rather have you cry than try to make me believe you'd be happy giving yourself to me forever! I'd rather you hated me; I'd rather take you a thousand times over against your will and have you fight me as I did it than live with knowing that every passing moment we would spend together would make you that much more distant from me!"

Ashura-ou's face became blank and rigid, as if it had been carved out of stone. His smile had disappeared, leaving his visage lifeless and forlorn.

The king turned around so that Taishakuten could no longer see him. His figure was hunched over as if he were in pain, his hand covering his face as one does to hide embarrassment or sadness. The voice that came from the king then betrayed his rigid façade, as it was seeping with emotion.

"You're right, of course. But you do not understand. . ." Ashura shook his head as he spoke. "My child has found his purpose in the young Yasha-ou. The other stars are with the ones they were fated to be with. You do me harm thinking that my love could never grow as my child's love has grown for Yasha-ou."

Ashura-ou removed his hand from his face and turned again to see Taishakuten. If he had been truly woeful then, no tears appeared to be forming in his eyes. In fact, it seemed his appearance had only increased in it's loveliness.

Had Taishakuten made a mistake? He refused to be believe that he hadn't. Ashura-ou would never show this side of himself unless he no longer had anything to hide.

_Oh, my lovely king. You don't know how mad I am for you._

"Then we have to go. Now, right now we have to go, Taishakuten. We cannot linger in this place much longer." Ashura-ou reached out and took hold of Taishakuten's hands.

"Ah, so you will lead me on to wherever we are to go. But you are hiding something. I can see it in your face."  
Ashura-ou sighed, yet again found out. A smile crept up into his features, but this smile was true. It was precious, the last treasure that Taishakuten would ever see.

"Yes, Taishakuten. The place we are going we shall enter together, but not even I know what lies beyond. I have seen others enter, because I desired to see them and so they appeared to me. But it was not a frightening thing. All the souls are drawn to it, even the ones who have stayed back, as I have."

Ashura-ou nodded with his head at something behind Taishakuten. They both moved to stare at it directly. It seemed to be a space that was utterly devoid of any concept of time or depth, it was everything that was anything at all. And it was there that they had to go.

Taishakuten moved in and pressed his lips against Ashura-ou's for what could have been forever in the mortal realm. He was glad that his lover was as enflamed as he, full of less desire perhaps, but just as willing to be kissed, just as willing to be loved.

"Lead then," Taishakuten said to Ashura-ou as their lips parted.

Ashura-ou shook his head, his eyes alight with joy, shining more brightly than any star.

"No, Taishakuten. We enter together. Everyone is waiting for us." Ashura-ou wrapped his arm around Taishakuten's, as if leading him onto a dance floor. Taishakuten saw the outline of his only lover one last time as everything became perfect once again.


End file.
